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The late-night talk-show host warms up the crowd before his first visit to Buffalo ANDREW Z. GALARNEAU -- The Buffalo News -- April 18, 2006 -- Section: Entertainment Given a choice of any speaker money could lure, the University at Buffalo's Undergraduate Student Association chose late-night talk show host Conan O'Brien. O'Brien, who took over the "Late Night" franchise after David Letterman left the 12:30 a.m. time slot, isn't even on the cultural radar screen of most people over 30. While they sleep, O'Brien headlines a show crowded with screwball comedy with an abstract bent. Let other comedy shows worry about perfecting their makeup jobs for imitations; O'Brien just puts up a screen with an actor's lips video-surgically implanted on a still picture of the impersonated. In 2004, rather than risk him jumping to another network - and taking his command of the 18-to-30 demographic with him - NBC took the unprecedented step of announcing him as Jay Leno's successor, five years early. When he comes to UB on Saturday, he'll be answering questions offered by students and submitting to an interview. Though when it's Conan O'Brien fielding the questions, "submitting" might not be strictly accurate. "How are things in Buffalo?" O'Brien asks in greeting. The snow is gone. The last two films shot here had to make their own fake snow. "Just think if global warming gets worse," O'Brien says. "The fake snow industry - that's the upside that nobody looks at." You're supposed to take over the "Tonight Show" in 2009. Is it possible the network guys just fall asleep too early to realize they're handing the biggest audience in America to a guy who digs unusually amorous bears and robot pimps? I think they did some market research and they realized that's exactly what America wanted to see. What makes you think people will still be watching TV in 2009? I'm pretty sure they won't be. I'm pretty sure TV's going to be a saline solution that you put in your eye, and you just walk around all day, and you're sort of enjoying "Desperate Housewives" and "House." Some people think you peaked writing for "The Simpsons." How do you put one foot in front of the other? I think it was long before that. I did a sketch show in Chicago in 1988, in the Victory Gardens Theater. That's where I peaked. Everything since then has been a tragic decline. Was there a moment when you knew? A bright light beaming down? Yes. And I had what's called an olfactory illusion. I saw a bright light and I smelled burning rubber. And I knew that was it, I'd hit my peak. I jumped the shark in '88. Grew up in Brookline, high school valedictorian, graduated Harvard magna cum laude - speaking at the University at Buffalo? Have you always had a thing for slumming? I love it there. I hear the men and women there are much more attractive. You've never been here. I'm coming with Jordan Schlansky, he went there, and he's an alum. He tells me we have to get some Buffalo wings while we're there. . . . When you go to Harvard the thing about everybody there is that it looks like they're dying of consumption. It's like the 18th century, so I'm looking forward to the attractive people. Jordan Schlansky? Very attractive man. And he says he was the ugliest person there. It's going to end in a big orgy, I'm told. I'm bringing lotion - all kinds of lotion. We've got bleu cheese dressing. That'll work. Nice. So you've got a girl who's 21/2, and a boy who's 51/2 months. Some dads will do literally anything to make their kids laugh, others not so much. You're in the laugh business. How's it work for you? Well, first of all, I charge them. So the other day I made some funny faces at my daughter and she laughed, so I charged her $30,000. But she came up with it. That's the good thing. You sent her an invoice? And she came up with the cash. But she had to. She was under pressure. You know, that's what's interesting about my show. I really think my real audience ought to be children who are about 3 or 4 years old. All that bull---- I'm doing in the monologue, the jumping around, the leaping? That's for the very young and the very old. Ninety-eight-year-old women find it amusing, and 2-year-olds. Basically you're doing "The Wiggles," on a sound stage. Exactly. Actually, the Wiggles are suing me for copyright infringement. They say that I've screwed them out of a living. So you're doing a pilot with Andy Richter. Yes. So which is it? "Andy Richter: One of the most underappreciated comics of our time?" Or, "Andy Richter: a guy with video of you and [bandleader] Max [Weinberg] gettin' your "Brokeback' on?" It's not good quality video. It's hard to make us both out. So it's something that threatens me, but it's not enough to make me do a pilot with him. I still respect his abilities. I think Andy Richter is one of the funnier people I've ever met. I think he's a very talented guy. But he also has some grainy video. So when you add those two things together it's time to make a pilot. Your show is pretty out there, but grounded in the comedy greats. Does it bother you that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog kills in a demographic that has never heard of Don Rickles? What shocks me is that a good chunk of my audience doesn't know who Jimmy Carter is. And I'm not kidding. The references have to stop around 1984. So they know that Reagan had a second term, but they don't know about his first term. We stick to the classics. That's why Dick Van Patten references will always work. I don't know why; they shouldn't. Nick at Nite. Right. So do we have you to blame for the fact that America hasn't yet seen "Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, The Movie"? Well, you could blame Triumph, too. Triumph has a terrible producer. I think the key to Triumph is spacing him out, that's the key. It's hit and run, so we'll do a Triumph, and people really like it, but it's a strong dose. Then Triumph goes away for a while, and comes back. If you saw a lot of Triumph at one time, it would end in a nuclear assault on our country. I was reading where in Harvard you masterminded a scheme to make off with Bert Ward's "Robin" costume. The statute of limitations has run; did that really happen? That actually did happen. I get credited with a lot of things that didn't happen. People are always saying, "Is it true that you loaded a zeppelin with explosives and rammed it into Memorial Hall?" I was going to say the Super Bowl. What a movie that would be. No. That's not technically a zeppelin, but we won't split hairs. The Robin thing was true. I actually did that. The obvious follow-up is, What would you do today for a famous man's underwear? Depends on who the man was. I think you've pretty much got your choice by this point. Denzel Washington? ... Rrrrow. So: You have one of the biggest noggins on the planet. That's an accepted fact. That's true. Scientifically speaking, it's a planet. With a neck. Yes. What should they name the spacecraft that explores you? The "Cronus," I think. It combines Conan with a Greek god that I'll look up after this interview. You had a lot of fun in Finland. Have you actually considered running for office in a foreign country? Bulgaria's got this guy named Georgi Purvanov - I looked it up - and you have got to see the absolute globe this guy has. You know, first of all I don't know these countries all well enough before I decide which one I would like to rule. But Latvia is interesting to me. You could take your time. You want to check it out. You want to make sure the presidential palace is nice. And fondue. I like fondue, and I want to be in a country where fondue is popular, and easily found. So you figure it out. I read that you cross yourself before you go onstage. You're a pretty irreverent guy. Why do you do that? Well, first of all, that's what the person thought I was doing. It's a Satanic thing I'm doing. I thought you might have been scratching eczema or something. No no no. It's actually a pentagram, but the reporter thought I was making the sign of the cross. Does God watch Conan? Because you know He's not watching Leno. God wants to watch Conan, but He can't stay up that late. So God passes out early. I think during one of those CSIs. Sometimes God gets credited by Nielsen with watching Conan because the TV just happens to stay on when I come on. But God is fast asleep at 12:35. e-mail: agalarneau@buffnews.com |